Just Know

If this thing between us doesn’t work out. If we took this thing off the ground too fast. Just know that my heart was pure and that my intentions were good.

Just know that I don’t blame you or myself. Just know that I’m thankful for the opportunity to receive unconditional love from a romantic partner.

You see, I wasn’t conceived out of love. I was conceived from two, young people with a lot of unresolved trauma who were still having unprotected sex despite their toxic relationship. My parents did the best they could with what they had but I can’t pinpoint for sure if they really ever loved me (at least in the way that I desired to be loved). My ex husband never loved me and that’s quite clear. My ex fiancé used me as a means to an end. Every person is just another resource to him. My son is too young to fathom what real love is. I may be dead and gone before he can comprehend the sacrifices I made for him. Nowadays, my siblings got their own things going on. My closest sibling is dead and gone.

So, at 40 years old, I’ve never experienced love. You gave me the chance to experience what it’s like to fall in love and to receive genuine love in return. And just for that, I’m grateful. My head has been in the clouds and I have heart emoji eyes like a cartoon character. All I wanna do is listen to love songs. And now, I can finally apply those lyrics to my own personal experience. I can sing those songs loud and deep from my gut. No longer as a spectator or an observer. The words fully resonate with me. I can say, ‘yeah I know what that’s like. I’ve felt like that before’. I don’t have to live vicariously through my favorite love songs anymore. I thought my chances at love had come and gone. I didn’t think my heart had the capacity to beat like this. Sometimes, I questioned whether or not my heart still beat at all. I thought I had gone completely numb to this world.

So, just know that if this doesn’t work, it’s still a win. I know what it’s like to fall in love! I can add this experience to my list of down-right crazy shit that’s happened to me. And if you’re not standing by my side. I’ll just remember all of our previous times.

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